To The Ego: Thanks (Part II of Rant)

This was my 14th B-Day. Despite my ups and downs, I put on a great happy mask.

Strength
Part II
I had an outburst when I was 14, and was immediately sent to my shrink. Yes, back in the high school I went to, there was a shrink. It seemed like the place I lived in had everything possibly imaginable. It is nothing like down here where they either haven’t heard of it, or they don’t have the funding to get it. In any case, my outburst caused me to be the laughing stock of that class.

For weeks, I would try to avoid the students outside the classroom. I did not need to be reminded of my behavior. I was a paranoid child. I never heard voices in my head, so I think that rules out schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is usually a heretic disease. I know of no one in my family with that. I had family members, however, that would talk to themselves. I think that is normal though, don’t you? As long as you don’t answer yourself back, right? LOL. Paranoia was very much strong in me.

If two people were talking and one looked my way, I swore they were talking about me. I always felt like people were doing nothing but bad-mouthing me all of the time. I was a very insecure teenager. I had so many problems, and it made me anti-social.

By the time I reached 13, my teeth didn’t grow in the way most kids’ teeth do. They started growing in crookedly, and I had grown very self-conscious of it. I had my grandma take me to the dentist, but they couldn’t place me in braces. They told me that I had juvenile periodontitis, and if they were to put the braces on, they wouldn’t be able to take them off for fear my teeth would fall out.

They said there was hope, that I could get surgery done to cure it. So my grandma took me to the dentist, and they said all they could do were cleanings. They said the reason for this was if they did the surgery, chances were I would have to come back in a few years. Instead, I was there every month for three years dealing with them when they could have done the surgery. The more I think back on it, the more I realize they just wanted to squeeze my grandma out of every dime she had, or however the expression goes.

In any case, my problem went away by 17. Everything was fixed but the emotional scar left behind. I’m sure there could have been worse things, but when you’re young, being flawless is everything. It is important especially when you’re a teen dealing with other peers.

I tried to tell myself at 15 to just say screw it. I tried to convince myself that everything happens for a reason, and that everything happens in its own time. I kept telling myself that if people don’t like me for who I am, then they don’t deserve me. It’s hard to keep reminding myself that. I still find I have to remind myself of these things constantly.

Looks like there will be a part III on this. This blog is really too long. I think I just want to get this out, so I can move onto the next phase in my life.

~~DJ

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The Grand Facade Burns Brighter Part I of Rant

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This image was taken in the summer of 1991. I was a month or two shy of 14. This was a part of my life when innocence came to stay for a short time.

Part I
Strength

So the Serenity Prayer goes:

God,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage
To change the things I can
The wisdom
To know the difference

I first heard this around 13 when my parents decided to sober up. Now, I know this didn’t last long as they fell off the wagon a year and a half later. But when they were sober and went to the NA and AA rooms, I actually felt proud of them. I felt like they wanted to do something to keep us a family.

That all changed after I turned 15. I felt like they had put on this grand façade just to get me back into their home. I was living with my grandmother by the time I was 13 because I witnessed something horrid between my parents. Maybe I will speak of this act a later time, but right now, it’s just too much. I really want to get back on topic. In order for me to do that, I have to pick it apart, and then place it back together again. Please bear with me.

The topic of strength came up when I was talking to a friend the other day. She had told me that she can’t handle things the way I can. She also said that I let things roll off of me like it’s no big deal. I had pondered upon that, but thought to myself that if I truly was like that, then why am I constantly deleting my Facebook and Myspace accounts?

The answer is simple. It is because I let things bother me as well. I try not to show it, but it’s the truth. Yes, granted, the last time I deleted my Myspace account was because I had been barely on it. But the true reason why I did not wait a full week to close it was because I had felt ignored.

I see all my Myspace friends that blog, and they have many comment replies from others. Even when they have been MIA for months, they still have their loyal fans. Then you have me. Every time I’m gone from writing, it takes me twice as long to get those kinds of replies. I sometimes wonder why because I had always tried not to make my blogs long, and I always tried to keep them entertained. Is it what I put out into the Universe that blocks others from reading?

Maybe I really don’t want others to read. Or maybe I’m too desperate and people can sense when someone is desperate and craving attention. This is true on my behalf. Sometimes I get so lonely that I become desperate for attention. That doesn’t mean that I’ll do anything bad physically, it just means when I lack the attention, I will shut myself down. Deleting who I am is what I do best, but not anymore.

I will learn to have the strength in cyberspace the way I have strength in the real world. I will learn to walk away when I feel ignored. Maybe that’s a sign for me to walk away and live in the real world for a while. It’s the Universe’s way of saying that I’m being too much of a hermit, and I need to step outside for a bit. I’m a quick learner, so I believe I can accomplish this.

I have so many friends that tell me they wish they could be more like me. They wish they could be as strong as I am. If only they knew what kind of façade I put on as well. I was brought up the old school way. My grandmother never let anyone see her cry. She never lets anyone see that she can be weak, and that’s how I am.

If I fail and show my weakness (which has happened in the past quite a few times), I quickly brush it off, and tell that person that I’m sick or I’m tired. I haven’t always been this way though. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it would stir up a lot of trouble. Well, for me, anyway.

Since I had already made this too long, I shall separate it in parts. I will have part II of this topic next week.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

~~DJ

If It Walks Like a Zombie and Talks Like a Zombie, then it must be…

When you lack sleep, you lack senses.  Right now, my brain is a total bowl of mush. I know this doesn’t make much sense but that’s because I’m not thinking straight. I have been up since Friday morning @ 5:30 and I have not gone to sleep yet.

In case you read this at a later date, it is now Saturday the 13th, 11:09 in the morning still, and yes….I’m still awake.
I’m up because I had to turn in an assignment for class. This project was sitting in front of my face for a whole week, just taunting me. I was staring at a blank canvas, unable to create any kind of art. I was blocked. I had to have the assignment due at 2 this morning, but didn’t manage to turn it in until 4. Then my “bestie” asked me if I can watch her girls today. I told her sure. Not a prob.  I have no real life…LOL…

Actually, I feel that could be far from the truth.  Since walking away from a job (I eventually knew would close down and it did), even though I’m not making money, I feel like I’m working even harder than ever. I wonder if this sets me back considering what I do. I digress because I do what I do because I like doing it…Does that make sense? A little recognition is nice, but I think I’ve been good with giving myself a pat on the back. Anyway, back to sleep.

I think a lack of sleep also heightens your emotions. You are more sensitive and angry when you are in zombie-land. Let me just tell you I’ve been a cranky witch the past few days. This not sleeping was only the icing on the cake.

I stopped all caffeine intakes about a week ago up until today. Even when I wasn’t consuming any caffeine, I still had trouble sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and I felt the same as I would with caffeine in my system. The only reason why I did this is so I can somewhat function to watch my friends’ three girls. Right now, they are in the other room playing with arts & crafts from my preschool teaching days, and I am blogging away. I don’t want to jinx it, but it’s quiet and not diva central like most mornings. Then other moms go, “Well you wanted another child, now you know what it’s like.” That’s when I retort by saying I’m not masochistic and I only wanted one more now that Casey is older. Oh well! What’s done is done; it is what it is; hakuna matata. Eh, I’ve got nothing more to say…LOL…Well, at least for now.

So here is what I am thinking for next week’s blog….A vlog!!! You heard (I should put read) correctly. I am thinking about making a vlog. I just need a topic to come up with. Any suggestions for a topic? Let me know. Even though I’m not a name dropper, I will mention who gave me the idea. I feel it’s always important to give props where props are due…Ugh! I can’t believe I just said that!!! I am really tired!!! With that being said, I shall go.

~~DJ

Anger Rising??? Who, Me???

Hello everyone,

I really wanted to set my goal to write a blog at least once a week; preferably on a Friday night. I’ll take what I can. It has been a hectic week with home schooling my child and all. I digress.

I wanted to explain something to most of you. I appreciate the emails I get telling me to keep my chin up. I really do appreciate your support. However, I really need to let you know something. I am not angry.

Some will write to me thinking that I am in an angry mood, but I am far from it. I do not hold grudges. I forgive quickly, and I move on. That’s all I do…I move on and I am good at moving on. When someone has done me wrong, I become a little upset and I may rant. The one thing I never do is stay mad for long.

The most recent example I can give was what had happened to me a month ago at my previous job. I mean, yeah, I was a little outraged. Who wouldn’t be? Especially when you stayed somewhere for so long. So I vent. So what? Venting is better than avoiding, bottling it up inside, and having it eventually kill you.

It was like how I was discussing with a friend how people claim they can cope with being unhappy. BS is what we both said. It is impossible to be content with being unhappy. It is also bad to be unhappy and pretend to be happy as well. I’m not pretentious like that. I could never be like that.

The problem with me is I am honest. So it may come off that I am pissed off, but truly I am not. I had no idea so many were ashamed of being honest, whether to others, or their own reflection. I’m pretty sure that’s not healthy at all.

At the risk of sounding redundant, I am not mad, nor am I capable of staying mad. I am the type of person that once I am done with something or someone, then I am done. There are no harsh feelings. It is more of the fact that I have moved on. I have to move on. It is good for sanity reasons.

If I quit or get fired from a job, then I move on and I don’t look back. If I text or call someone that won’t text or call me, then I move on. I have no harsh feelings. Trust me when I say that. I just know how to adjust and move on. I think that’s the vagabond talking, but I’m truly grateful I was one.

Moving around made me tougher. I learned that people and places come and go. Some people and places stay in your heart forever. Those that do, you call home and family. We are all spiritual beings that are either familiar with other beings, or we just cross paths and never look back. I have the best of both worlds.

Well, that’s all of this week’s rant from me. I swear I’m going to get over my camera shyness and make a vlog one of these days. Maybe it’ll happen when I think nothing of it. We shall see.

~~DJ