The Grand Facade Burns Brighter Part I of Rant

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This image was taken in the summer of 1991. I was a month or two shy of 14. This was a part of my life when innocence came to stay for a short time.

Part I
Strength

So the Serenity Prayer goes:

God,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage
To change the things I can
The wisdom
To know the difference

I first heard this around 13 when my parents decided to sober up. Now, I know this didn’t last long as they fell off the wagon a year and a half later. But when they were sober and went to the NA and AA rooms, I actually felt proud of them. I felt like they wanted to do something to keep us a family.

That all changed after I turned 15. I felt like they had put on this grand façade just to get me back into their home. I was living with my grandmother by the time I was 13 because I witnessed something horrid between my parents. Maybe I will speak of this act a later time, but right now, it’s just too much. I really want to get back on topic. In order for me to do that, I have to pick it apart, and then place it back together again. Please bear with me.

The topic of strength came up when I was talking to a friend the other day. She had told me that she can’t handle things the way I can. She also said that I let things roll off of me like it’s no big deal. I had pondered upon that, but thought to myself that if I truly was like that, then why am I constantly deleting my Facebook and Myspace accounts?

The answer is simple. It is because I let things bother me as well. I try not to show it, but it’s the truth. Yes, granted, the last time I deleted my Myspace account was because I had been barely on it. But the true reason why I did not wait a full week to close it was because I had felt ignored.

I see all my Myspace friends that blog, and they have many comment replies from others. Even when they have been MIA for months, they still have their loyal fans. Then you have me. Every time I’m gone from writing, it takes me twice as long to get those kinds of replies. I sometimes wonder why because I had always tried not to make my blogs long, and I always tried to keep them entertained. Is it what I put out into the Universe that blocks others from reading?

Maybe I really don’t want others to read. Or maybe I’m too desperate and people can sense when someone is desperate and craving attention. This is true on my behalf. Sometimes I get so lonely that I become desperate for attention. That doesn’t mean that I’ll do anything bad physically, it just means when I lack the attention, I will shut myself down. Deleting who I am is what I do best, but not anymore.

I will learn to have the strength in cyberspace the way I have strength in the real world. I will learn to walk away when I feel ignored. Maybe that’s a sign for me to walk away and live in the real world for a while. It’s the Universe’s way of saying that I’m being too much of a hermit, and I need to step outside for a bit. I’m a quick learner, so I believe I can accomplish this.

I have so many friends that tell me they wish they could be more like me. They wish they could be as strong as I am. If only they knew what kind of façade I put on as well. I was brought up the old school way. My grandmother never let anyone see her cry. She never lets anyone see that she can be weak, and that’s how I am.

If I fail and show my weakness (which has happened in the past quite a few times), I quickly brush it off, and tell that person that I’m sick or I’m tired. I haven’t always been this way though. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it would stir up a lot of trouble. Well, for me, anyway.

Since I had already made this too long, I shall separate it in parts. I will have part II of this topic next week.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

~~DJ

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One thought on “The Grand Facade Burns Brighter Part I of Rant

  1. >Hi Diana,I thought I'd post in here so things don't get too disjointed. You raise a lot of hard questions in this blog and I applaud your efforts to remian on-line and try and stick it out. I really like the serenity prayer it is one of my favourites. You've been through so much as a young child/teenager it has built up a life strength. I can relate to this with my struggles. People around me get real nervrous if I'm not coping because I always do. It can be a lot of pressure to always be the one who has it together. But emotionally I'm suspecting you're very sensitve? I've known a few people myself included. You can always put on a strong face but inside you feel like you're dying.Part of livivng a hard life is having a hard shell but the core of yourself remains sensitve and I think that's a good thing because that hardness didn't break you. You still have your heart and that is certainly something to be proud of! You have a lot to be proud of, in what you've been able to reconcile from your childhood and what you've achieved and overcome. When the online world gets you down that's what you need to remember. Life and what you've achieved away from blogging.Even though the net has an overflow into the world at large it's impact on our lives is still largely dicated by how much we let it in to dominate. I can certainly relate to your feelings with blogging because I do get the same feelings. I wonder how people can have 50 comments etc. I also realise though I do have other things in my life and I can't spend a lot of time online. So I'll never get that kind of response to my blogs.Part of garnering an auidence seems to be being an active part of blogging. You have to read to be read. I know I can only read so much and some of it really isn't my thing, so again I'll never have a large audience. That's not a bad thing always. I learn't to look at views, not comments. I realised that people very rarely comment it takes alot to build that up if you can at all, but that doesn't mean that no-one is looking. Sometimes people don't know what to say, or feel stupid saying "great" so they say nothing. I know a couple of people who do get a lot of comments and they still get down about it because they have 20 "great work!" and 40 "Beautiful!" and they start to feel no-one is really reading. You can't win! *LOL* Ages back now I deleted my profile and I've walked away too. For around 3 months both times.I stayed away until truely I was blogging for myself first. I didn't care if anyone read it.That's the only way I could make myself survive the blogging world. I still get times when I want to crawl into a hole and forget about blogging but it's become a good motivation for me. By setting a deadline to have a blog it keeps me writng, reminds me I'm not alone, and along the way improves my writing. "Is it what I put out into the Universe that blocks others from reading?"In all honesty it may be. Not everyone wants to think, not everyone wants to be confronted by hard issues or hard questions. Some people just want to read and move on. That's where you have to decide what you want as a writer and blogger and just stick to it.Ultimately it's your blog, your time and your life. I think your attitude is a good one and like life yes you need the strength you use and used to get through life to get through being on-line.You have a lot of talent and potential and I'm sure if you dig your heels in so to speak you will find yourself eventually in place on-line that you can be content with. Thanks for posting this blog and sharing and sorry I've on and on again…I'm such a big mouth. *LOL*I'm looking forward to part 2Take care((HUGS))Tikarmaxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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