So the Serenity Prayer goes:
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
To change the things I can
To know the difference
I first heard this around 13 when my parents decided to sober up. Now, I know this didn’t last long as they fell off the wagon a year and a half later. But when they were sober and went to the NA and AA rooms, I actually felt proud of them. I felt like they wanted to do something to keep us a family.
That all changed after I turned 15. I felt like they had put on this grand façade just to get me back into their home. I was living with my grandmother by the time I was 13 because I witnessed something horrid between my parents. Maybe I will speak of this act a later time, but right now, it’s just too much. I really want to get back on topic. In order for me to do that, I have to pick it apart, and then place it back together again. Please bear with me.
The topic of strength came up when I was talking to a friend the other day. She had told me that she can’t handle things the way I can. She also said that I let things roll off of me like it’s no big deal. I had pondered upon that, but thought to myself that if I truly was like that, then why am I constantly deleting my Facebook and Myspace accounts?
The answer is simple. It is because I let things bother me as well. I try not to show it, but it’s the truth. Yes, granted, the last time I deleted my Myspace account was because I had been barely on it. But the true reason why I did not wait a full week to close it was because I had felt ignored.
I see all my Myspace friends that blog, and they have many comment replies from others. Even when they have been MIA for months, they still have their loyal fans. Then you have me. Every time I’m gone from writing, it takes me twice as long to get those kinds of replies. I sometimes wonder why because I had always tried not to make my blogs long, and I always tried to keep them entertained. Is it what I put out into the Universe that blocks others from reading?
Maybe I really don’t want others to read. Or maybe I’m too desperate and people can sense when someone is desperate and craving attention. This is true on my behalf. Sometimes I get so lonely that I become desperate for attention. That doesn’t mean that I’ll do anything bad physically, it just means when I lack the attention, I will shut myself down. Deleting who I am is what I do best, but not anymore.
I will learn to have the strength in cyberspace the way I have strength in the real world. I will learn to walk away when I feel ignored. Maybe that’s a sign for me to walk away and live in the real world for a while. It’s the Universe’s way of saying that I’m being too much of a hermit, and I need to step outside for a bit. I’m a quick learner, so I believe I can accomplish this.
I have so many friends that tell me they wish they could be more like me. They wish they could be as strong as I am. If only they knew what kind of façade I put on as well. I was brought up the old school way. My grandmother never let anyone see her cry. She never lets anyone see that she can be weak, and that’s how I am.
If I fail and show my weakness (which has happened in the past quite a few times), I quickly brush it off, and tell that person that I’m sick or I’m tired. I haven’t always been this way though. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it would stir up a lot of trouble. Well, for me, anyway.
Since I had already made this too long, I shall separate it in parts. I will have part II of this topic next week.
Thanks for reading. 🙂