I’m not broken…I think

Friday, January 21, 2011

There is a song that goes: “Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken.” Well, that saying, is me all the way. I’m a little damaged, but it comes with the territory of having bi-polar disorder.

I work hard to focus on good things, I truly do. Some days are a harder fight than others. Today was one of those fights.

I let the bad guys win today. I can blame it on the gloomy weather because in my defense, Florida is called the Sunshine State, not the gloomy state that should be relocated to somewhere more northern. If I were living in New York, today would be considered perfect weather. UGH! I’ve gone off track again. Let me get back on.

The bad guys had won. I can accept that for a little bit, then go home and take a nap. Usually when I feel bad it’s because I’m feeling run down or sluggish. I was just feeling cranky.

I was fine earlier. I took my son to my mom’s house like I do every Friday. I was there for a bit, then I just felt sad. I wanted to go home.

I try to listen to some happy music, but as I was singing, I noticed my voice was out of tune and there were tears rolling down my face. Yes, this is normal for me ESPECIALLY if I am tired.

I will admit that sometimes a nap doesn’t cut it, but I felt that it would today. So, I head home, and decide to begin my homework just in case I don’t wake up before the due date.

Oops! Yes, there’s an oops. I had left my cell phone at home, so I pick it up off the charger to see that Andy had called. I go to call him back.

“What’s wrong,” is always the question he asks. “Nothing,” is my reply because I know how he can be when I tell him my problems. A freaking hour passes, and he is still hounding me to tell him. “Fine,” I say, but I warn him that he won’t like what I have to say.

Within seconds of me telling him why I’m sad, he is trying to fix it. He is telling me what my problem is and that is not something I want to hear.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with being told what I do differently than others. I know what I do wrong. So that failure feeling that I had already felt, makes me feel like deleting myself from the world because there is no such thing as a re-do button.

There must be something wrong with me obviously. For a majority of my life, all I have been told is what I do wrong. I never get praised for any accomplishments, which says a lot about me.

I just become reminded over and over again on what I am NOT. It gets tiring after a while. I don’t want to welcome the insults, but it seems to just be there.

Anyway, I wasn’t trying to write this to bring anybody down. I truly think that I need a nap.

I just don’t understand why people want to fix what wasn’t broken to begin with. When they try to fix it, it is then they break it. I wasn’t broken until I heard all the comments about myself scooped into one dish.

What’s your take on the situation?

~~DJ