Temptation Part I: How it Began

Temptation Part I: How it Began

Dear God,

Please forgive me. I just couldn’t help myself. I was touched by the hand of temptation, and I gave in. I don’t know how it happened, but it did, and it felt good. It was good, sweet, kind, caring, sensitive to my needs, and smooth. This temptation was everything a girl could want. I never forgot the first time I met him. I was about 13 or 14 or so.

13 is a time of youth, don’t you think? It is a time when you are no longer a child, but slowly maturing into a woman. The problem is you’re not considered a woman until you are 18, quite possibly 21, by today’s standards.

Being 13 is an emotional time. You don’t know what you want. Maybe you do. But what you get is not entirely what you want. There is one thing for certain that you want, only it’s enticing, and troublesome.

No good could ever come from it. While he is soothing on the soul, he causes major problems for you a few weeks down the road. Because of him, I was breaking out in hives. Really! Hives!

So I decided to quit him once and for all. Can you guess what happened next? Can you imagine what not being around him caused me to be? I was jittery; going through withdrawals.

I would always see him everywhere I went. He was driving me crazy! What was this possession; this power he has over me? Even though I don’t want him, I cannot help myself when I see him.

The years have come and gone, and I am still with him, as wrong as it is. He is just so sweet at times, and that’s what makes it hard to resist him. I’m a woman, I can hide the break-outs with makeup. The question still lies: Is he worth it?

Then one day, I finally come to my senses, and realize that this temptation is all wrong. He was sweet, but then moved on to being cold; ice cold. He started controlling my mind. I was distracted. I tried to ignore him, but he just kept on taunting me. I started to get fat on the thought that this could ruin my life.

I have woken up and realized that he was ruining my life. I was not the same person I was when I was 13; sweet, sweet 13. I don’t know what to do, but now that I am no longer a teen, I have to do something.

I cannot rely on my mom as she had told me he would ruin my life. She has been telling me since day one that I had laid eyes on him. UGH! I hate when moms are right. I should have listened. Why didn’t I? Oh, yeah! Because children, especially when they’re teenagers, don’t listen to their mom. Stupid, stupid me!

What happens next? Stay tuned.

Written by ©Diana Jillian, circa 2008

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The Good and Bad of Love: Part X: Conclusion

Part X: Conclusion

I can adlib and tell you where I hope this is all going to go. The truth is, I’m not really sure. I cannot exactly rely on my premonitions because sometimes they are not always accurate. I can only tell you that I go by my gut feeling.

I feel that something good has to come out of all the bad I have been dealt with. I could easily fantasize and tell you that I meet a nice rich man, and he loves me for whom I am, but I have someone that loves me for who I am. I just wished he loved himself.

Daniel is not a bad man; he is just a very observant person. I’m observant too. The only difference is I observe people and the world around me without trying to watch the news. Did you know they say 90% of Americans suffer from depression? I bet it’s from all the news they watch, but that’s another story.

I can only predict what someone is going to do by observing their moves. There is no magic to it, just basic logical what you want out of life kind of stuff. I wished for true love, and that’s what I got at 22. If I had known then what I know now, I would have wished for true love plus happiness and wealth. I can’t go back now.

Sometimes in life, you have to do what it takes for those you love. Since I love Connor and Daniel more than anything else, I’m willing to forget about my own happiness and what I want out of life. I am truly sorry if you thought this was going to have a happy ending.

There you have it. My happy and tragic love story. I didn’t quite get the fairy tale I envisioned, but I have a lot of love to give out even if it doesn’t come back to me. This is the good and the bad of love.

Written by ©Diana Jillian

NOTE: Sorry this wasn’t a happy ending. I will have a new short story running shortly. Stay tuned…

The Good and Bad of Love: Part IX: Acceptance

The names are purely fictional…
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Part IX: Acceptance

Little by little, Connor wasn’t so young anymore. He was getting older, and that made me miss having a little child around. While I started changing my mind about children, Daniel was not willing to change.

Years had passed where we argued about this. I even suffered a bout of depression for a whole year myself. I liked to write, and couldn’t find words to write my stories. I was so depressed that I couldn’t write anything but my repeated feelings. What was I to do?

I didn’t want to leave because I had made a life for Connor, but here I was 32 years old, and still no second child. I did what I could to get out of my funk. I went back to school where they majored me in Communications.

By the time my 33rd birthday came around, I had decided that I didn’t want any more children. I do not want to be an old mom. I like the idea that people look at Connor funny when he calls me mom in a grocery store. For me, I spent my life raising my brother, and then I went and had a child. The pattern kept on repeating. I didn’t get the chance to raise myself, and I don’t want to be any older than what I am for giving myself a chance to be, well, me.

I had accepted my fate, and focused on my studies. A year into my studies, Connor was having academic problems. He had already failed a grade once because he was sick all the time. This time he was in danger of failing because of these specialized tests they give state-wide.

My last resort for him was at a Montessori school. The shots he is on makes him healthy, but the side effects are lethargy. Lacking attention was another effect. I don’t want you to think that Connor didn’t do his work because he did. I think it was more like he was uninterested in the kind of education that requires reading and writing. He is more of a hands-on kind of person.

I took a big leap with Connor. This is my last resort. I have dipped my toe in the home-schooling pool. I have to educate my child by any means necessary. It had worked for so long, but I prayed that he would at least get his high school diploma. This is where the story ends. Well, this is where it ends for now.

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Written by ©Diana Jillian
I’m going to give you a heads up on my next and last installment of this story. I have my good moments and I have my bad moments. I would like to think that the good outweighs the bad moments. I think this is a decent ending, but this is not a happy ending. The ending has not yet to come. This is only the conclusion for now.

The Good and Bad of Love: Part VIII: Daniel

The names are purely fictional

Part VIII: Daniel

I sat at the table, watching others go up to the microphone and sing. In the meantime, people from all over the bar were buying me a beer, including the one man I laid eyes on. I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I noticed him when he went up to sing. He had such an angelic voice, it made me wonder what the hell was he doing here in this little nothing of a town. When he was done singing, he came over to me in a playful way, asking if I was going to sing. I wasn’t going to, but he said he heard me sing before, and he liked my voice. So I sang a song.

After my song, I decided to go home, not realizing that I should have gotten his number. I wasn’t one of those people that was straight-forward with someone until I at least got to know them after a while. So, I decided to come back again the next night. Sure enough, he was there.

His name was Daniel, and I was completely and madly in love with him. Daniel was eleven years older than me. I had gone out with older men, but never really that much older. It didn’t matter to me though. I knew I wanted to be with him. We exchanged phone numbers, and I came home, only to find out Connor was sick.

As I am in the hospital with Connor, I remember Daniel, and call home asking if Daniel calls to give him this number. Daniel called, and we made arrangements to hang out a bit. I didn’t want to stay too far away from Connor. My dad stayed while I went out for a bit.

Daniel was very understanding of my situation. The doctors still didn’t know why Connor kept getting sick the way he did, and I won’t know this for about two more years. In any case, Daniel accepted both me and Connor into his life.

Daniel himself had a secret, one that he was not willing to share with me until after a few months that we were dating. He suffered from depression. When you have depression, all illnesses come along with it because, in my mind, that’s what you bring to yourself. That still didn’t stop me from wanting to be with him.

Daniel and I have had our fair share of ups and downs. The one thing he was adamant on was the fact that he didn’t want any kids. I agreed with him. I didn’t want any more kids because Connor was always sick. At 22, I didn’t want any more kids at all. Then Connor was all better because of the wonderful blood doctors.

He wasn’t sick like he always was. I was constantly taking him to the hospital for some kind of an infection. The doctors saved him. They told me as long as I give him shots daily, he would be happy and healthy a long time. This gave me hope for once.

One of the reasons why I didn’t want to have another child was fear that the child might wind up sick like Connor. I couldn’t live with myself if that were to have ever happened again.

Written by ©Diana Jillian

The names are purely fictional

Stay tuned for the final chapter…Part IX: Acceptance.

The Good and Bad of Love: Part VII: Wanting Something Real

Part VII: Wanting Something Real

So, Del is gone, out of the picture. It is now just Connor and I living at home with my parents. I knew with my mother’s temperamental streaks, that I was not going to be able to raise my kid the way I would like to. I had decided that I would work and save as much money as possible for a place for Connor and I to live in.

Since Del, I had been in a few relationships. None of them ever worked out. These guys were jokes. They thought I would put them before my son. In my mind, that was an impossible thought. I always heard the promises from these guys how they want to marry me, but no one would ever go through with it. They would just leave me just like everyone else had. When Connor was 3, he and I went to New York again to visit my brother, who was getting married.

It was there at the ceremony that I realized I wanted a real relationship. I wanted to get married and have a family, and be happy like my brother and my new sister-in-law. When I got back from New York, I went out and bought one of those books on what you’re doing wrong in a relationship kind of thing. If it’s a book on self-help, then I am all over it. I am always all about finding ways to improving myself.

Two months have passed since my brother’s wedding, and I was finding people that were doing nothing but trying to hook me up with this person and that. I realized that if I were to find someone, then I would have to do this all on my own. I told myself what I wanted in a man. I said he has to be funny and loyal. I don’t really care about money, but if he is well off, then that would be a bonus. So, that was what I did; I set my standards high.

I don’t know what really happened, but I was supposed to go out with a couple of friends. Our “thing” at the time was karaoke. I don’t know why my friends liked going. None of them could sing, and I never liked how the music always sounded off compared to the actual song. Well, my friends never called me that night, and I was kind of disappointed. It was actually my mom who suggested I should go out and have fun.

I felt silly going to a bar by myself, but I knew the people that owned it, so I also knew that nothing bad would happen to me while I was there. I showed up to the bar in a flannel button-down shirt, and a pair of cut-off shorts. I guess you could say I never really got out of my Seattle-grunge phase. But that’s a story for tomorrow’s episode.

Written by ©Diana Jillian

The names are purely fictional

The Good and Bad of Love: Part VI: Connor

(The names were changed to protect the innocent…It’s like the Dragnet theme…LOL)
Part VI: Connor

I was pregnant. Yes, I know that at 18, you don’t really know what you want. However, I may not have known much back then, my destination or where I was going. I did know that I wanted a child. I wanted to finally be able to love someone the way they deserved to be loved. I want to show them not to be afraid of love the way I had been.

This child turned out to be one of my best-friends ever. His name is Connor, and he is my life.

I was still with Del when Connor was born. For some reason, I thought I could make this whole family thing work out. I thought I could keep living the lie by telling Del that I loved him when I truly didn’t. In a way, I was always looking for excuses to get Del out of my life once and for all.

Besides the fact that I was lying about the whole love thing, I knew that Del was an even bigger liar. The problem with him was it was hard for me to prove it. I was smart in books and dealing with people on the streets, but when it came to love and relationships, I was a big dummy.

Connor was always sick. He always had something wrong with him. I was constantly taking him to one doctor after another. Because I was 18, I looked like I was 12, and I would be reported by the HRS because these doctors thought I was abusing him. It wasn’t until Connor was 5, that the doctors realized it wasn’t me, but rather something else. I will give more details on that later on. While Connor was going through this, I was realizing that I did not want Del to be in my life anymore.

Del gave me something that I will never forget. He gave me a precious child that is now my life. I will always be grateful for having Connor. If it had not been for Connor, I wouldn’t have been alive today. I guess you could say I’m on borrowed time.

Growing up, I always thought my life was one big joke. I did not come from a religious family; I only knew Jewish as a heritage, not a religion. I had suffered from depression since I was a little girl, but would always try to hide it until I became a teenager. When you’re a teenager, the depression shows. I had nothing to keep me going in this game of life. Nothing until Connor came along.

For the first time, I wanted to live. I felt alive. This child would bring joy to me. I always smile when I am around him, and he always seems to know when I am sad. He will do funny things to make me laugh. You know how adults make faces at babies to make them laugh? Well, Connor was the opposite. He was the adult entertaining us children. It was because of Connor that I realized I could be happy as a single parent, and so, I got rid of Del. Well, it was more like I got Del to get rid of me. Like I said, I try not to break up with others if possible.

Stay tuned for part VII: Wanting Something Real

 

Written by ©Diana Jillian

The Good and Bad of Love: Part V: Del

Hey everyone!

I’m off to the East coast so I don’t know when I’ll be able to post my next installment of the next chapter. I figure to post now just in case I’m not back before midnight my time.   Here it is…

Part V: Del

Del was 26 years old when I met him. He wasn’t bad looking, he just wasn’t the type of person I’d fall for. Yet, for some reason, he picked me. I know why now, but it took me some mistakes to realize this. I went out on a date with Del in hopes he would be my meal ticket out of my parents house. He told me some things about himself. No, wait. Scratch that. He told me things that I wanted to hear.

One of the things that he told me was that he was divorced. I guess I could expect that from him, considering that he’s 26 and all. He also told me that he has two children, one boy that’s three, and one girl that’s a year old. He wanted me to hang out with his ex-wife and her boyfriend, and he also wanted me to get to know his kids. After about three weeks of being with him, I had decided that enough was enough.

He was becoming possessive. I mean really controlling. I was invited to go to a friend’s house for a party, and he insisted on going. He didn’t trust me one bit. Not only that, but he got fired from his job, and he no longer had a place to live. I only knew this man three weeks, and my parents said it was okay for this man to live with us. This was not how I planned things. Did I mention that Virgos like to make plans and stick with it? I probably did, but in a different way maybe. I tend to repeat myself when I’m trying to explain something; please bear with me on this. Anyway, my only chance was to break up with him.

I told Del he could stay at the house until he found himself a place to stay. I felt bad for telling him it was over. I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to hurt others. I would rather have someone dump me rather than for me to dump them. I realized that I was pushing Del away, not giving him a chance. I gave him another chance, and I tried to give into the notion of falling in love.

I didn’t fall in love as the weeks past, but I found myself a bit more moody than usual. Then, I found out something about myself; something wonderful. I never expected something like this to happen to me. Perhaps this had happened to save me from my self-destructive path. Looking back, I definitely know that is what it was.

Stay tuned for Part VI of the installment: Connor.

Written by ©Diana Jillian.

The names are fictional.