Not Going Down

It is said I’m one of the chosen people

But I feel trapped under a steeple

Relentless with your slavery and genocide

But I won’t sit idle, I won’t run and hide


And as I get treated as an abomination

Rather than a human of the same nation

Why don’t you tell me, blow my mind

And tell me what exactly is my kind?


You make me feel ashamed.  All your shame

And daily I manage to rise above the pain

Because you speak of words that are untrue

Lying and saying I’m nothing like you


And what you force upon you call preach

Yet you do not learn from what you teach

And when they don’t follow you set out a blast

To obliterate and make them an outcast


All those harsh colors, so many paints

Tell me now, who’s the devil’s saints?


DJ 6/25/13


The Chemistry

To read previous entries, here are the links:


Part I:


Part II:


Part III:


And now for part IV:


He wanted to know what I remember.  To tell the truth, it’s all in bits and pieces.  I do remember what would happen every night since my father set the curse on Cody and I.  I was dead and so was Cody.  You would think that when Nephilim die, they wind up in heaven.  That answer is far from wrong.


The truth is, we wind up in the land of the in-between.  The sixteenth century was a new era back then.  Everyone started calling the in-between place purgatory.  Unfortunately, humans were only half right about purgatory.


What humans don’t realize is the ghost realm, and purgatory, are two completely different planes.


In the ghost realm, you have a chance for redemption.  In the purgatory realm, there is no hope.  It is a game of survival.  Every day for the past two centuries, I had to fight my way through purgatory.  But I’m glad I was not alone on my trip to purgatory.


I had Cody.  Purgatory can be such a scary place.  Most assume that crows would be there because they represent in-between worlds.  This is not the case.  There are some, but mostly, there are doves.  These doves in particular are called mourning doves.


When these doves cry in Purgatory, they let out a high-pitched sound, alarming others that there are visitors.  Cody and I don’t always have our powers when we’re in Purgatory.


The creator thought it would only be fair if human souls had to live there, then monsters of all kinds would have to be borderline mortal.  In other words, their souls are mortal and therefore it is all about the survival of the fittest.  Although sometimes, you do actually find souls that don’t belong in purgatory.


How does something like this happen?  I’ll give you one answer:  Demons.  Well, it’s mostly demons.  Some are witches and sorcerers that are evil.  They will sell your soul to the highest bidder.  They will steal your soul, snatch it away from you, and take it either for power or for profit of some sort.


Now, I know I’ve said before that once your soul is in Purgatory, there is no getting out.  You can’t ascend to heaven and you can’t descend to hell.  You can’t even become reborn.  But Cody and I had found a way to help those that truly deserved a chance to go to heaven or become born again.


How could we not help?  We were stuck in Purgatory during the day and up all night, trying to think of ways to beat my father at his own game.  We actually found a way to rescue souls believe it or not on our journeys through Purgatory.


Now if you’re wondering how we got in and out of purgatory, the answer was unknown.  I think it had a lot to do with the curse my dad cast upon us.  This was punishment for my disobeying him and not marrying Seth like he had wanted.


We were more like enchanted.  And the few hours we spent in Purgatory per day felt like eternities.  That’s how slow time moves.  But we somehow found a way out and we managed to smuggle the Charles Dickens.


Yes, you’re reading that right.  No, you’re not seeing things.  There was only one problem when we rescued Mr. Dickens from Purgatory.  We kind of brought him to our world, and it wasn’t just any part of our world we brought him to.  He was with us and witnessed the horrid fashions of the nineteen-seventies.


How a human soul survived in Purgatory for over a hundred years is beyond me, but this writer certainly did that.  When we brought him to our place, he looked at the television like it was a foreign object.  Cody and I then pointed him to the books on the bookshelf seeing as that might be more familiar with him.  Only, it wasn’t as familiar as we realized.


He picked up a Batman comic book and was asking all these questions about the history of Batman.  We explained to him about America’s Great Depression and the war, and how Americans were desperately looking for heroes.  Then he asked a crazy question.  He asked if he could meet Batman.


Now I know there were comics back in his time.  I know this because Cody and I were the ones that started the trend by writing on the walls and such.  There are a little too many trends we started that I’d rather not get into right now.  The point is, Dickens knew Batman wasn’t real, but I think he figured that if we were able to get him out of purgatory, we would be able to procure Batman himself.


Luckily, we learned a few tricks from the sorcerers we met throughout the years.  We opened up the comic book, and out came Batman, in comic form and all.


He too was confused when he looked around.  He didn’t understand the three-dimensional world that we lived in.  I think our bringing a fictional character kind of changed the comic book timeline because once Batman was back in the comics; he was quoting works of Dickens.  Yes he too read the works of Dickens.  It was a strange sight to see.  But I managed to fix everything.


I sent Dickens soul up into the heavens, and I sent Batman back to the comic books.  While that was one of the good advantages of going to Purgatory, it is still a very scary place to go.


It may be scary I reiterate, but it must be done.  My father cannot get away with punishing me anymore.  I look at Cody and I take a deep breath before speaking.


“When I was stuck in that coma,” I began.  “I felt like I was in heaven.”

“You did?”  He sounds surprised.

“Yeah,” I replied.  “Do you know how long it had been since I had seen the sun?  How long it had been since I had felt the sun on my skin and not the grimy slime from Purgatory?”

“So then what happened?”

“I don’t really know,” I answered in an honest fashion.

“I was there on the beach and suddenly I felt like I was there waiting for someone.  I had my sketch pad and pencil and I would enjoy the sunset while drinking my baybreeze.”


A baybreeze, by the way, is a drink made with pineapple, cranberry juice and vodka.  I normally prefer a coconut baybreeze which is with rum because vodka kind of makes me a violent Nephilim as to where rum makes me placid.  I love the taste of both but I haven’t had a drink in a very long time.


I must have just been conjuring in my dreams what I truly wish I could be doing if I wasn’t always on the run, hiding from my father and all.


“I was like that for a long time,” I continue.  “Until you showed up.  I felt like it was love at first sight all over again, well, up until the last time you showed up to wake me up for good.”  I was really confused that last time he showed up.  My father must have used a stronger spell or something.


“But then you would fall asleep and wake up and forget about me all over again,” he replied.


“Yes,” I answered.  “And that was strange.  I remember all the details now which only means it was probably another spell my father had put me on.”


I noticed that Cody has stopped the car.  We are at our destination.  There is a secret door in the center of the States—which is located in Belle Fourche, South Dakota—and it ‘s that spot underground that will lead us into purgatory.


We get out of the car and look around to see if anyone notices.  Once the coast is clear, we head underground.


While walking through the sewer, a thought occurred to me.  I was thinking about when I was in a coma and something Cody said.


I looked over at him and asked, “So how did you finally manage to enter my dreams?”


He looks at me as he’s trying to push against the walls to find the hidden door to purgatory.  He then answers a question with a question.  “Do you believe in the power of science?”


6/21/13 by DJ

Remember When: Part III

To catch up on the previous stories:

Part I:

Part II:

And now for part III:

No one in this day and age believes in angels anymore.  If a human were to see an angel do such magic, they would believe they were hallucinating.  Or they would think such an angel were a magician of some sort.  The belief that anything good exists in this world has ceased to exist many, many years ago.  I look over at Cody who is driving us to our destination.

“What’s on your mind?”  He looked like he’s thousands of miles away.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you were the one in a coma for the past ten years,” he replied.  “Do you remember re-living the same day over and over again?”

“I’ll tell you what,” I began.  “Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind,” I paused for dramatic effect.  “And I will tell you of what I remember.”

“Fair enough,” he answered.  “I was thinking back to the first time we met,” he smiled.  “I had seen you for weeks but couldn’t gather my nerves to speak to you up until I saw you at the riverbank.”

I remembered that day.  That was the day when something light came out of the dark red sky that had fallen down upon me.  That light was Cody.

I remembered how he offered to take me on his missions with him.  I was hesitant of him for a number of reasons.  One of them being my father—who happens to be a fallen—and another reason was I didn’t know Cody very well.

I mean, who goes running off with someone they don’t know?  But despite having that bitter taste in my mouth, I knew then and there I had a serious case of affection for Cody.  It was then I believed in love at first sight.

If you’re wondering about the bitter taste, it was definitely not because of Cody.  I often get bitter tastes when something’s not right.  In this case, it was my mom.

When Cody convinced me to go on missions with him, I thought for sure I would get rid of that bad taste in my mouth.  But as I hung up the clothes and went inside to tell my mom we were leaving, it was too late.  I was too late.

My mother must have taken her final breath while I was at the riverbank washing the clothes.  She insisted I go and wash the clothing rather than watching her dying very slowly and painfully.  I really didn’t want to go but when my mother insisted, she always got her way.  I already had so much to deal with besides her.

I had my father to deal with, as well as Sirothenian. Sirothenian—who now goes by the name of Seth—was just as persistent as my father.  I suppose that’s why my father was so adamant on having us get married.  I kept on refusing.  I did not want to marry a demon.  I did not care if I were to have a powerful child or not.

If I were to ever have a child, I would want that child to be healthy and loved.  That should be all a parent could ever want from their child and nothing more.  Romulonian—, who now goes by the name of Roman— my father, should have wanted the same from me.

However, that was not the case.  I don’t think it ever was the case.  If it were, he would have never left my mother either.  He was always into himself more.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he wants something more powerful, but I guess we all have our stories, right?  However, my mother deserved better.

That was why, despite her wishes, I tried to revive her.  I was only minutes away from saving her.  I could have saved her.  I screamed and that was when Cody ran inside.  He held me in his arms, and he let me cry on his chest.  A complete stranger let me cry on him.

He comforted me and assured me that everything will turn around.  He assured me that everything will get better.  This complete stranger was comforting me, and I knew, I knew right then that he was the one.

It wasn’t the amazing ocean blue eyes he has.  It wasn’t the tan complexion with high cheekbones and dimples on his cheeks that got me either.  It wasn’t even the sandy blonde hair that falls in his face that got me.  I’ve never been one to be hung up on looks.  It was just something between us.  It was something that was unexplainable; something that was just meant to be.

Despite my lack of ability to explain the chemistry between Cody and me, my father wanted an explanation.  I don’t think he ever really understood love at all.  I don’t think my father ever understood me.  How could he?

He had me locked away in a coma for the past ten years.  What kind of parent would put their own child in jeopardy?  No matter the age, a parent will always do what it takes to protect their child.  That was what my mother was trying to do for me.

In return, I tried to protect my mother, but I had failed miserably.  Cody had assured me that this was probably for the best.  To tell the truth, I knew Cody was right.  My mother was in misery.  She was sick but she did not want to remain on earth anymore.  The strange part of it all was it seemed as though she knew all would be alright with me.

After we buried my mom, I went with Cody on his missions.  My father had trouble following me.  Humans were tired of angels and with Cody and I being only half angels, we were able to blend in much better with humans.

In fact, unless you’re an archangel of some sort, you wouldn’t even know the difference between a human and a Nephilim.  The only thing that separates us Nephilim from humans is half-angels don’t age.

The more Cody and I moved around, the harder it was for my father to find us.

        Try to win and suit your needs
        Speak out sometimes but try to win

       Heaven assumed, shoulders high in the room

       Standing too soon, shoulders high in the room

My thoughts are brought back to the present as the R.E.M. song Perfect Circle is playing.

“Well,” I looked up at Cody who was speaking to me.  “Are you going to tell me what you remember while you were in that coma?”

“Well, a deal’s a deal,” I began.  “Here’s what I remember.”

 DJ 6/13/13


How We Met: Part II

How we met:  Part II

Cody’s Story:

I’m not one for folk music.  But the nineteen-sixties—and that’s
including the seventies—were a very strange time.  A strange time
indeed.  Though while Diana was in her coma just dreaming away of the
same day over and over again, all I could think of was Leonard Cohen’s Stories Of The Street:

With one hand on the hexagram and one hand on the girl


“I balance on a wishing well that all men call the world.

“We are so small between the stars, so large against the sky,

“and lost among the subway crowds I try to catch your eye.”

Diana and I may have met at the beginning of time, but she wouldn’t
even give me a glance.  We were Nephilim amongst many of humans.  And
demons, and other monsters that you find mythical but in fact, they are
real.  But I digress and that’s another story.

Back in
those days, I was known as Coedroynan and she was Deanarella.  I
wouldn’t recommend trying to say those names.  Were our parents trying
to be mean when they named us?  No.  In fact, names like that were
popular amongst the angels and Nephilim.  Unfortunately times have
changed since then.

Humans and angels used to assimilate
together, which is why so many of our kind were born.  All the rules
kind of vanished once the fruit
of knowledge was bitten into.  Then we had free will and all that good
stuff.  But with all that stuff, came chaos and illness, and that’s how I
finally met Diana.

She was taking care of her human
mother, who at the time, was dying of a horrible cancer.  Only back in
those days, they called it “natural causes”.  And yes while Nephilim
like she and I are able to heal other humans, her mother made her
promise to never heal her.

Her mother believed that there
was a purpose for everything, and that when it was her time to go, Diana
would have to learn to adjust and let her go.  I, of course, learned
all this on the first day we finally met.

She was over at the riverbank, washing some clothes.  I heard her crying and asked her why she was crying.

She quickly stiffened up and stopped crying.  I can tell she was so upset, she hadn’t noticed I was approaching her.

“I-I wasn’t,” she quickly replied.  “I accidentally splashed some water on my face when I was washing the clothing.”

I managed to say.  I don’t want to argue with her.  I never want to
argue with her, but I could tell she was going to put up a fight.

I decided to speak up again.  “Perhaps I could help?”

looked over at me.  I have always seen her but never this close up.
Her hair is a burgundy color.  It’s straight and falls to her waist.
Her eyes are as green as a peridot gemstone, and then there were her
lips.  They were—and still are—a dark pink color.  They are full and
pouty.  They are lips I can see kissing forever.  And when she looked at
me, it was like she saw me for the first time.

I don’t
know what was going through her head.  Did she gasp because she felt the
same way about me as I did her?  Or did she look shocked because I am
standing by the riverbank with her?

“You want to help,” she questioned my offer.  She still had that shocked look on her face.

“Well, yeah,” I began.  “I mean if you want help.  I don’t want to be rude.”

I mean, it’s fine,” she sounded surprised.  “I never have anyone that’s
dared to ask to help me.  Then again, I never had anyone that has dared
to speak to me.”

Her words had thrown me for a loop.
What exactly did she mean by no one dared to speak to her?  Why would no
one want to speak to someone so beautiful and delicate?

“Why is that?”  I had decided to ask her.

“I thought everyone knew,” she replied.

I travel with my mother,” I replied.  It’s the truth.  My mother is an
angel and together, we go on missions throughout earth, as well as
various other places.  “I’ve only been here for a few weeks.”

“My father’s a fallen,” she replied.

fallen are angels that have been cast out of Heaven.  They are on Hell
and Earth.  My mother and I make sure to try to keep the balance but
there isn’t too much we can do with free will and all.  We only try to
persuade those that have been tempted, but seem like there might be hope
to lead them away from temptation.

I smiled at her.  “Is that supposed to scare me?”

I watched as she stared at me with astonishment.  “He’s scared everyone else off.  He’ll find a way to get to you.”

“And why is that?”  I became curious as to why her father won’t let anyone talk to her.

“Sirothenian,” was her reply.

I’ve stated earlier, don’t even try to pronounce these names.
Nowadays, a name like Sirothenian is most likely considered to be a name
like Seth or something like that.  I asked, “Is that name supposed to
mean something to me?”

“I suppose not since you’re new here.  Sirothenian is who my father wants me to be with.  He’s a demon.”

the time, because of Lilith, everyone was trying to create their own
hybrid.  Unfortunately, one of my missions is to destroy the Nephilim or
demons that carry such a baby inside of them.  If one is born, the
world could be in turmoil.

It is said that Nephilim, such
as myself, are powerful creatures.  But to have a Nephilim and demon
hybrid would be disastrous.  There is too much power for one being to
have.  Not that any of that would stop a fallen from trying to create
such a thing.  After all, Lilith created just about every creature
possibly known to man.

Or, I should say, at that time she
was the only known being that created hybrids and monsters and such.
Many other cultures and beliefs were manifested into being.  I don’t
know how those things work, I just know they do and I knew at that
moment, I needed to get Diana out of that place.

“Well you don’t seem happy about it,” I said to her.

“I don’t really have much of a choice.”

“Sure you do.  We all have choices.”

“Then you do not know my father,” the tone in her voice sounded scared.

“I can help you,” I found myself saying.


“We can leave together,” I told her.  “You can come with me on my missions.”

“But I can’t just leave my mother,” she replied.  “She’s sick.”

“Well,” I thought about it.  “We can take her with us.”

“But I do not know you.”

“Well then, let’s start now.  I’m Coedroynan.”  I took a bow.

“Deanarella,” she curtseys.

“You see?”  I smiled.  “We are one step closer to getting to know each other.”

For a brief moment, the corners of her mouth have lifted up.  I felt like I needed to add more.

“And on our missions, we can get to know each other better.”

wrings out the clothing and places them on her arm.  “I suppose we
could give it a try.  This could be a new beginning for my mother and

We head back to her place where she hangs up the
clothes on the line.  When she’s done she says, “I’ll go and talk with
mother and see what she says.”

I nod.  “I’ll wait out here.”

enters the house and it gave me some time to think.  I knew of a few
things at that moment:  One, I can prevent another Nephilim from
procreating with a demon and two; I was already in love with her.

laying eyes on her, I always thought the term “love at first sight” was
irrational.  But I knew then as I know now that Diana is all I wanted.  She is all I’ll ever want and I can only hope that we can finally convince her father of that.

Written by DJ 6/9/13


The anxiety is rising. It’s driving and thriving.
Taking over all of me.
There is no room
I cannot breathe
Cannot be free
From the gripping terror it has over me
And feeling what I feel with my endless mind
Time has never shown me anything kind
Not when my mind is unclean
Messy and completely unseen


Try as I might
Lost in the flight
I will find common ground
I will find the lost found
And like waves out in the ocean
When tempering winds cause commotion
Eventually there is a calm that arises
Quietly and amazingly full of surprises


I think I can….
I am me once again.


6/6/13 Written by ©Diana Jillian

Life As I Know It

And as I feel the heat of the summer
I sit asunder and I am full of wonder
As to where did all the thunder
Go and why did it fall under?


No lightning to connect
The charge of the effect
I reek of total neglect
And let the pain sublet


Into the far reaches of my brain
For I have fallen completely insane
To find true love without any maime
My dreams have fallen inane


And if that wasn’t bad you’d think I’d have had
Common decency to walk away but I must’ve been bad
In a past life or something where I deserve to be this sad
And before you draw any conclusions no I’m not mad


Well, not quite mad anyway
But I keep my thoughts at bay
And madly write away
How one day there will be a day


I will arise above and be free
But I know it will never happen to me
So a gal like me remains in dream
Forever in a momentous reverie


Call me a schemer or a dreamer
Either way I’m a firm believer
Of the fantasy world never to seether
No longer capable of finding a deceiver


I am me in this world stuck in real
Where numbness kicks in to unfeel
Of rotten lemons were given in deal
Feel the stench when I pull the peel


This life wasn’t ever suppose to be meant for me
Perhaps in the next life it will be better to see
Of the possibilities I once thought I could be
Forever staring back at the shadows of me


6/2/13 Written by ©Diana Jillian