No More Light

NO MORE LIGHT

BY ©DIANA JILLIAN

dark no light2

 

 

I wonder if we’ve become a nation of zombies
As I cruise on my bike around the neighborhood
Too busy inside, playing with electronic devices
Hanging with friends never met, whether bad or good

 

There is no pure light, nor shadows of memories
The trees and the birds are silenced by the Wi-Fi
The lack of breeze seems to indicate no life near
And the day, with what looks to me a darkened sky

 

I stop ahead as I notice something shiny
The only thing that seems bright in this dull
Hopping off my bike to pick up this new penny
And my staring at its shine puts me into a lull

 

Like the sweet, depressing sound of a violin playing
I long for something new and shiny like a this metal
But staring at this little thing is my only possible hope
Like admiring a wilting, over-blossomed flower petal

 

As I am staring and swaying a tiny voice speaks
Penny for your thoughts; what’s your inner hope?
I break out of reverie to see no one but me, alone
It’s just a part of life, something we have to cope

 

©Diana Jillian 11/23/14

Envy

Envy is a very ugly thing to have….And you can paint a smile on your face to make it seem like you’re not envious, but the truth is, everyone can see it.  And just because I choose to look the other way, doesn’t mean that I’m naive.  I’m just choosing to be nice about it…

What deadly sin are you?

These are a few sites I went to a couple of weeks ago.
 
Okay, so how this came to be….I took the quiz, “What deadly sin are you?”, and I got envy.
 
For some reason, that just struck a chord with me.  
 
I thought I was over my jealous issues.
 
The grass is greener complex is not always the case.  Most put up a facade to make you think they’re living a fabulous life.
I’ve always chalked up to why others have stopped talking to me.  They would say they’re, “busy”, or that I was being mean to them.
 
To tell the truth, they wanted an honest opinion, and an honest opinion is what I gave them.  I wasn’t telling someone they were ugly or fat or something like that.  I wouldn’t say something like that at all.
 
I have this one friend who texts me with:  What’s up, bitch?  And I don’t take it personally.  I reply back:  Nothing much, ho.  What’s up with you?  And we joke around like that.  We both know we don’t mean any harm by it.  But I’ve learned since living down here in Florida that it’s a whole different world from when I lived in New York.
 
People are more sensitive down here….They tend to take what I say too personally.  My friend who I text with was someone I knew from high school back in New York.
 
All these friends I’ve met down here I’ve met through various jobs I’ve had.  I believe I’m well on my way to having a job sometime next month, and I swear I will no longer make any friends.  I will be civil, but that’s all I can give.



I mean yeah, I’ve been envious of others when it comes to having kids.  I get envious….Well, more like mad because they keep popping out kids, and neglecting them…While I know that I wouldn’t ever do that.  Then they would have me watch their kids, and then they would get mad at the time I took to spend with their kids.  Needless to say, soon enough, they would no longer need my babysitting services.



I really didn’t picture myself the envious person though because I know, throughout it all, these are people that are struggling.                                              



But those signs I read on that site were spot on…Um, not about me, but about them.  I’ve thought about this.



The fade away.  How they just gradually faded out from my life.  When I was diagnosed with skin cancer, they never bothered to call to see how I was doing.  I don’t know why they would be envious over that.



What’s sad is, they know how to get a hold of me.  I haven’t changed my number.  They never once wished me a happy birthday when I’ve wished them one.  I also mentioned that I won’t be contacting them ever again until I hear from them first.  Well, I guess that answered my question.



Ah, stupid fun quizzes.  I need to stop taking them so literal.  I know my ultimate sin is sloth…and even then, I’m not THAT lazy.  Someone proved to me that they can be even more lazy than me.  And that’s saying A LOT! LOL.



I know that some day, in some way, I’ll make friends that will feel equal to me.  Not jealous in any way what’s or ever.  But I definitely know to never hang out with another co-worker.  It’s just too much.



I never thought I would have to treat friendship like dating, but I guess that’s the way it has to be.  I’ll make a separate blog for the rules of friendship that are similar to dating soon.



I was hoping to have created a vlog, but I’ve been lazy.



~~DJ

The Unknown

Dear No Name,

I am so sorry we never got the chance to meet.  I know you’ve been waiting for the day we finally meet, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed for me, and it’s probably better off this way.

I was once a successful person back in my youth, but my youth has gone and heading into middle-age, there’s no going back now.  You would be disappointed in me anyway the way everyone else is around me.

The only thing I have to give is love, and I’m afraid love is not what makes the world go round, but money.  It’s better off that you have not met me.  You would have romanticized expectations the way I have them, and I live too far in the clouds to ever reach back down.

I could stay at home and give you love, but then I would have no money to give you what your heart desires.  I could work and get a job to support you, but then I would have no love to give to you by the end of my day.

It would be coming home to more chores, helping you out with your homework, and cooking meals late at night.  Then I would give you a bath and ship you off to bed.  That’s not exactly an ideal life either, and I’m sorry I had to be such a disappointment that you could not be in this world.

I am not successful.  I am a failure and a no one.  I would only bring you heartache, and eventually, you too would hate me in the end.

I’m sure you would have been everything I’ve ever dreamed about in a soul, but as I stated before that ship has sailed.

I’ve made all the wrong choices in life, but you would have had a big brother to look after you.  You would have had dogs and a bird that would be annoying as heck, but they would love you no less.  And I’m sure you would have been a blessing for all those around you.

But you’re not here and you never will be.

I’m sorry you waited so long.

Love Always,

The One Who Would Never Be What You Expected.

~~DJ ©11/21/14

Caitlyn’s Dream

Caitlyn is always in a dream-like state of mind.  Her head is always up in the clouds, and she is constantly dreaming of fairytale endings to get her through her day.  Her life is sadly ordinary.  It’s not really ordinary, but this is how she views her life.

The truth is she’s a housewife and a mother of one.  Her only child is eighteen years of age, and she had thought that by now, her life would have more meaning after thirty-something years of life here on earth.

Caitlyn wanted so badly to have another child.  All her life, she dreamt of having a daughter.  And why not?  She had a son, why not a daughter?  But that dream never happened for her and now with her kid all grown up, she feels it would be wasteful to have another child at this point in her life.

She was planning on running away; getting away from the ordinary life she lived once her son turned eighteen.  Her husband of fifteen years didn’t want to have any kids of his own.  He once told Caitlyn that meeting her with a kid was a bonus, because his goal was to never father a child in his life ever.

Of course, this broke Caitlyn’s heart.  She loved her husband more than anything, but she knew that eventually, she would have resentment towards him for not giving her a child all those years ago.  So she decided she was going to leave him once her son turned eighteen.  Sadly, that chance never happened.

For the past two years, Caitlyn’s husband has been sick.  Not to mention Caitlyn herself had been taken off the medical system because she no longer had a kid under 18, nor was she pregnant, nor did she have a disability.

She was a housewife with high anxiety and depression.  Anxiety and depression are not visible disabilities, so the government doesn’t see this as a legal excuse to be considered disabled.  There is no such funding for being a housewife and a caregiver.  So that left her stuck, and often entrapped in her dreams.

She believes that somewhere out there, in a parallel universe perhaps, she’s living the life she’s only dreamed about.  How else can you explain the constant dreaming of being with this guy and not realizing you’re stuck in a continuum of a dream?

Caitlyn knows and realizes the possibility of a parallel universe, and it makes her jealous.  She is jealous of her parallel self.  Why couldn’t such a beautiful life had happened for this Caitlyn in this life?

She will always sigh and cry, wondering where she went wrong in her life.  Why she can’t get a job in this reality, and why she is struggling to make ends meet.

Sometimes it be that way???

~~DJ

The Time I Was Wrong

Alright….I was going to write last night but I got sleepy….*ahem*  OK, I was being lazy.  Hey, when the cooler weather sets here in southern Florida, I become very lazy.  That, and the fact I’m still sick.  I haven’t gotten over whatever-the-hell-this-thing-is cold quite yet.  Though I have been feeling slightly better in the past two days.  I’ve been more tired, but I’ve been feeling better.

OK, before the Benadryl sets in…

One of the writing prompts was to write about a time when I was wrong.

Well, according to…..Just about everyone I know, I am wrong about 90% of the time.  So I can’t just pick one time when I was wrong….

It just seems like if I go to defend myself, I’m being sensitive and need to relax.

If I’m just trying to vent about something, I’m given advice on what to do, even if I don’t want it.  Or even if I’ve already something differently.

If I state what I’ve done, I get told, “Well you shouldn’t have said, ‘da da da da da dum.'”  And all I can do is shrug and feel cursed because what’s done is done….

In my defense, I was born wrong…

Although…

How wrong could I have possibly be?  I’ve lived this long in life.

I do happily admit when I’m wrong, and when I am wrong, I do apologize for it.  I am not ashamed to do so.

I know I’m wrong about me being successful.  I have to come to grips with that and admit it.  And I know it’s easy for someone to say count your blessings.  I do…Don’t get me wrong.  But all that does is it gets you to appreciate what you already have.  What about appreciating what you want?

I don’t know…

I must say goodnight now.

I will forget being successful and just focus on me.

Hey, I’ve been wrong this far in life, something is bound to turn up right.

~~DJ