UP resized


It’s not ideal for everyone

But it’s right for someone like me

I can feel nothing

And enjoy being selfish for once

I can focus better

And sleep less

Don’t try to wake me

Because I am not dreaming

I’m not ready to feel failed dreams

I’m not ready to cry

I’m not ready to break down

Or go back down again at all

I just want to be up

And forget it all

The lost me has been found

Let me be up

Because I like it there

Written by ©Diana Jillian 3/21/15


Energy Vampires

Do you know what energy vampires are?  They are people that feed off your happiness until there’s nothing left of you.  Then when you fall into a black hole or a deep dark depression, they want nothing more to do with you.  And why would they?  They got what they wanted from you…Your happiness; your sunshine.  And they know you’ll never get it back…But they always come back around when you do get it back.  They somehow know….

They stalk and wait….That’s what energy vampires do.  Look out for them and stay away…in fact, I strongly suggest for you to RUN!!!

Raising Your Voice 3/10/15

I wish my voice was powerful enough for others to listen to what I have to say, only because I think what I’m about to write is important.  I would make a vlog, but then you would see the true nature of what I really look like.  I can’t even look at my whole self in the mirror because I am so chunky even when I do work out.

Selfies are great, however, it does not show your true image.  I know I hold my phone up to a certain light, and I pose in a way that hides whatever it is I want hidden…Like I wear bangs to hide my eyes.  I wear makeup to hide blemishes.  I pose differently so you don’t see my true ageing process…things like that.  But that’s not the point I have wanted to make.

Unions.  The people who live up north…you know.  The place where it gets so cold no one wants to leave their homes?  They have unions.  Unions are there to make sure that the contracts you sign to work don’t become null and void.

Like raises.  In a union, you would have to get a raise.  If you were guaranteed 40 hours, you would have to get 40 hours.  If you got a part-time job and were guaranteed 20 hours, you would have to get 20 hours a week.  They would also have to hire you and let you know your pay rate.

Well, I don’t live in a union state.  In fact, I live in a state where people (Meaning employers, managers, owners, counties, cities, etc.,) try to fight getting unions here.  They threaten their employees and say if they even think about going to a union, they will be fired.  Most get scared and decide they value their job more than getting fired and joining a union.

Back in February, I finally got a part-time job working at the YMCA, or as they like to call it now, the Y, because I could only work a part time job.  I am a full-time care giver, and my insurance ran out when my son turned 18.  I find this really at a disadvantage and unfair because I think people should get rewarded for having stopped after one child.

They should be rewarded and get extra cash back at the end of the year when they file taxes, but sadly, they don’t.  Ah, I get off track sometimes.  Well, now I see why my voice doesn’t get heard.

Anyway.  They put me in this child watch program.  I really thought I was going to be working the front desk to tell the truth.  But that never happened.  My first month was only busy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  Tuesdays I would have like 2 or 3 kids, and on Thursdays, I’d have no one.

The last Tuesday and Thursday of the month of February before the new monthly schedule came out, I was given lots of kids, and with no help I might add.

So for the month of March, they cut back hours.  I now only work from 20 hours a week to 10 hours a week. Yup!  I work two…Count em’ two hours a day.  I have to be there from 5-7 even though the contracts that parents signed stipulated that child watch be open from M-F from 4-8.  So what does that say about the contracts the parents signed?  

Null and void is automatic and it truly seems pointless to sign contracts.

Yesterday, I told the parents they could stay till 8, but then my co-worker (A teenager I might add) informed me that the child watch is now only opened till 7.  I didn’t know this.  My shift starts at 5, and I got there 15 minutes early only to have parents already there on the spot.  Every time I walk into the room, something is missing like a podium or shelves to separate the class so the younger children won’t think it’s like the movie Risky Business and slide across the room…Whatever.

So then my co worker showed me the sign on the wall…Mind you AFTER I told the parents it was alright to keep their kids there.  The sign was small and posted up on the window.  I felt so stupid afterwards.  I told the impatient co-worker that it was OK for her to leave at 7.  But naturally, she would know the rules because her mom works there.  Her mom is the one that does the hiring process like have you sign papers, and go for fingerprinting and drug testing and such.  Me, not so much.

Yes, granted my Mother in law was the reason why I got the job there, but she just works behind the desk. She’s been with the Y for 10 years now.  But she works the early morning shift.  She’s not a manager, and therefore, she wouldn’t know exactly what these kurwa’s are up to.  Kurwa, BTW, is a Polish word for something I’d rather not say.

The biggest kurwa is the district manager that has been there for years.  She’s never liked me because I stood up to her.  She came from Maryland and has expensive taste if you know what I mean.  I know where all the saved up money is going but it’s best to not say anything, because she’s right all the dang time.  I’m honestly surprised a house hasn’t fallen on her, or she hadn’t melted with a bucket of water..That’s how evil she is.

I wound up leaving my job last night, crying on the way home.  Wine was fine for about an hour, but I was still awake….I guess I’m having a manic episode of some sort.

Though crying would not be considered “manic,” even though I stay up very late with very little sleep when I’m in manic mode.  I don’t know.  Maybe the crying comes with age???  Yeah????

Last night was the night when I decided I’m going to give the LOA a try.  For those who don’t know what LOA means, it stands for Law of Attraction.  I was a firm believer in it once before.  I found my way there.  I know I can find it again.

I was scrolling through Tumblr earlier when I stumbled upon the quote in purple.  I went to look for it again, when I found another Hemingway quote I liked.  So I created it.

If I were a smart person, I would really not bother showing up to work.  But sometimes…Actually, most times, the heart beats out the brain.


Dear Lost Person

Dear Lost Person…

I get that sometimes I’m not in my right mind. Sometimes I don’t let LOA take over and guide me.  Some days I forget.  I am working towards it.

But now that I AM of sound mind, I have made the ultimate decision.

When I found you still listed in my contacts list, I was honestly shocked.  That’s why I was like I was surprised to see you there.

I never expected a reply back from you to tell the truth, because when I sent you a happy birthday email, you never replied, and you never bothered to send me an email wishing me a happy birthday, which tells me I was the last person on your mind.

You once called me like a sister, but there I was, giving you rides, a shoulder to cry on, and a babysitter whenever you needed one.  Not one showing of gratitude ever came from you.

So when you replied and you were like you wanted to be friends, I was like screw you.  Then I asked you if I hadn’t contacted you, would you have contacted me at all to tell me this?


Then I put out the words, “I forgive you,” though you did not apologize (but really, you need to), and you tell me you can’t deal with anymore of my “drama?”


That’s what a friend says???

So, here’s my decision.

I can’t be friends with someone that’s afraid of the truth, afraid of confrontation, afraid to answer questions, afraid of communication, and afraid of their own shadows.

I hope only for your sake, your daughter doesn’t pick up your habits.

And you DID know about me…You just pretend you didn’t.  It’s been a year exactly because that was the time I did go to the doctor and that was the last time I contacted you…first…as always.

Friendship is a two way street, and you’re not willing to bend to be friends.

If I was tough on you, that was only because I saw the potential you didn’t see, but  you know what?  That’s none of my business.

This letter will never reach you because I know somewhere, in some way, you’ll find a way to take my words and twist them into something I didn’t say or write.  You only pick out what  you want to see/hear.  That’s fine.

Hey, so how many friends do you have, BTW?

Have a nice life!!!!  🙂

I wish you well!!!!

Just remember….KARMA!!!!  It does work.

I’ll Watch The Stars Go Out


Is it asking too much to be given time
To know these songs and to sing them
Is it asking too much of my vacant smile
And my laugh and lies that bring them

But as the stars are going out
And this stage is full of nothing
And the friends have all but gone

For my life my god I’m singing

We’ll take our hearts outside
Leave our lives behind
I’ll watch the stars go out

We’ll take our hearts outside
Leave our lives behind
I’ll watch the stars go out

Is it asking too much of my favorite friends
To take these songs for real
Is it asking too much of my partner’s hands
To take these songs real

As the stars are going out
And this stage is full of nothing
And the friends have all but gone

For my life my god I’m singing

(Lyrics from AZLyrics.com)

 The stars align for me.  I’ll always be that one no one sees.

I’m only a human being with feelings.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.


Cancer sucks…

But I guess it takes compassion and empathy to understand what someone else is going through.  

If a friend thinks you’re “unstable” or that you may seem that way to others, please get rid of that friend.  Friends should support you NO MATTER WHAT!!!

I just may be fooling myself, But I’m a wishful thinker.  I’ll make it some day.  It just takes some positive outlooks to get me there. 

You can’t have an omelet until you break a few eggs, am I right?

I know this may sound weird, but I removed all the bad karma that people hexed on me by using salt as a gemstone around my neck, following rose quartz crystals.  Eventually, the rose quarts broke, but my amazonite charm is still going. 

Anyway….Life’s not all it’s cracked up to be.  Did you know that it was never stated that Humpty Dumpty was an egg?  That’s so strange!!!

But like the quote in Criminal Minds (I found one that suited this blog.):

We are all alone….We just create illusions that for one moment, we are not.

We’re born alone. We live alone. We die alone.  Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for a moment that we’re not alone.

This is an original quote from Orson Welles.  I didn’t know this until another prompt popped up with a quote from him.  Writers do get inspiration from other writers, see?