Troubled Mind

The picture that started it all….

The end to end all friendships….


Has caused trouble between me and a now called ex-friend…

Telling me I was troubled

Because it’s what the boy said in the movie

But he says, “Stay Gold,” upon his deathbed.

“Stay Golden,” to me, means to always be you

To be beautiful…

And to never misconstrue it to be

Any other than just that….

The thoughts weighed heavy on my mind

As I was accused to seek help

As I was told I was scaring them!!!

I am shocked beyond disbelief.

Another to use me as a scapegoat

I am hurt

I am heartbroken

I just never expected this…


Not a betrayal

Out from the one person I thought was my dear friend.

How can I be sad when I’m in a good place?

The answer is:  I’m not

After this…

It’s gone from memory…

I’ve moved on…


©Diana Jillian 9/12/15, Saturday

Hey Everyone!!!!

So you pretty much know the gist of my situation.

What you don’t know is this person is going through some stuff.  But then again, don’t we all?  I sent an innocent picture.  And it turned into something to where I need to seek professional help.  I don’t get it.  This person told me I was scaring them.  I don’t know how.  I was merely wishing them good things.  I thought it was a cute picture.  I had no idea it had anything to do with death in any way, shape or form.

This person told me I need help, and I got mad.  My inner New Yorker came out.  I dropped the f-bomb.  Which is something I do.  They got mad and said they can’t be my friend because I cursed at them.  I didn’t curse them out.  All I wrote was, “You’re not f-ing listening to me.”  Which is an odd thing considering we’re texting.

But in all truth, how many times can someone ask you if everything’s alright and you say, “Yes,” when they don’t believe you and keep on repeating themselves?  They got mad at me, and I told them they too dropped curse words all the time.  They were like when?

Um, every time you call me the N word….Or does that not matter.  I didn’t know the N word was acceptable in this case.  They then told me they didn’t know it was a curse word.  Well, my dear, it’s far worse than dropping the f-bomb in my eyes.

And we’re New Yorkers!  I don’t understand it.  You live in NY, and you DON’T curse?  Then you need to move elsewhere!  How did you survive all these years unless you’re a recluse and don’t socialize with others?  And you want to be a social worker?  Where you would have to socialize with others???  And you jump to conclusions….You won’t make a very good social worker I’m afraid.

Alright….I believe it’s officially out of my system.  A friend lost…That’s alright.  I need more positives than negatives.




Well, I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep I’ve been receiving, or if I’m sick or what, but I do know that something has got to give.

I have been helping a friend out by watching her four kids in the morning. I make sure they eat, and I take them to school. I do this and don’t expect any money in the process. I can’t understand why I am such a pushover sometimes. I think when I see someone in need, I tend to not press the issue of asking for money. Especially when I see that person is in a bind. Call me a sucker, that is me. There are some things, however, that I will make changes to.

A certain social media site has been my “frenemy” for a long time now. I couldn’t design a page the way I could with the other social site that no one uses anymore. I can’t use just my initials as my name as it is not considered a real name. I feel sorry for those that only have two letters for a last name as the system will not accept that. Even though I can now design my new social network page, others may not be able to see it if they haven’t downloaded a certain app in order for them to see it. So what’s the point? I have no idea anymore.

I feel like all I do anymore on said site is play the games they have to offer. There has got to be more to life than that. My lost friends and family I found don’t use said social site. I don’t even hear from them. I find that a shameful thing if you ask me. We have all this technology, and yet, we can’t write a simple email asking someone how they are doing. It’s like it’s an effort to do something so simple. We wait until someone leaves this world to reflect and think to ourselves that maybe we should have taken some more effort to reach out to someone.

to save a life

I know you must be thinking where all this is coming from. Did I ever mention that I become moved by certain movies? The most recent movie I watched was called To Save A Life. The movie was about two boys who were the best of friends, and they separate by the time high school begins. One becomes popular, and the other one becomes an outcast. I won’t say no more as it was a very powerful movie; it was a very moving and touching movie, and I recommend it for viewing. I put this movie up there with the Ultimate Gift. In any case, I feel things are changing in my life once again.

I feel that whenever I change, I feel that it’s a change of the better. I have been upset at my job for a few years now because they keep passing me up for promotions such as management. I cried about it last week, and I wanted so much to put in my two weeks notice. I have done so much for that place, and I get treated like crap. I keep on telling myself that I am no longer going to care; that I am going to do what I want to do and if they don’t like it, then they can fire me. The funny thing about having a good heart like me is I cave in. I go above and beyond what is expected of me again. This time around though, I am tired. I am tired of trying to fit in where I don’t belong. I feel like that girl in Blind Melon’s No Rain video. I know eventually I will find my own group of bees.

Who knows how I’ll feel in a few weeks from now. Maybe I’ll change my mind, maybe I won’t. I will keep you posted on my decision. I think that is about all I have to say for now.

Thanks for reading my crazy rant!!!