Day 73

Day 73 of the 365 Day Gratitude Challenge.

I’m grateful it’s day 73. And I am grateful for changes.

Earlier today, I wrote this story as part of the prompts. I worked really hard on it and I thought I was being clever. That’s my problem. I was thinking. 

Well someone made a comment on it, and with comments like that, usually more are to follow because you’re often looking at the comments in order to find something to say.

I stopped writing my chapter stories. And I made this story 100 words precisely. They call it a drabble.

So I’m thinking I’m a shitty writer and I’ll never amount to anything writing wise in this world.

I will be moving away from Blogophilia. Not that I was popular on there to begin with. I’m grateful for new beginnings.

I’m a little sad right now. I’m hoping sleep will help.

DJ

Name

29.9

Quote:

“I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.”

A Talented Tongue….Submitted by Barbara

Incorporate a JD Salinger quote…submitted by Doris

Include the word “kickball”….submitted by Jay

Picture: Submitted by Jessica….Clues…Clueless…All ink’d up. The Name Game.

A talented tongue; she always had a way with words, but I could tell she was sad–very sad–and had possibly lived all her life that way.  I was–am–always paranoid, thinking people think the worst of me, while she was more of a kind of paranoid person in reverse.

I suspected people wanted to see my demise, while she suspected people of plotting to make her happy.  I was never born happy–but that’s just how some people are.  I used to copy whatever other people were doing.  To tell the truth, I never knew how to show happy, and when I see people being overly happy, I try to stay away from them.

I’m not afraid of catching it.  They just always say to be wary of those who always seem happy.  I soon learned how true that is.

It seems every time I hear of someone taking their life, someone has always said in some kind of fashion, “But fill in the blank seemed so happy lately.”

There is no such thing as beating depression.  You can suppress it though.  I do believe with proper exercise and diet, maybe you can beat it.  I was down that downward spiral.  I was standing on the edge of the cliff, wondering if I could fly.  I had people convinced while I was down that I was totally happy, and everything was great in my life.

Oh, I am good!  I can be quite the actress. I actually wanted to be an actress as a child growing up.  I just never had the courage to pursue that dream, and I don’t think I ever will even if I still dream of it.  And no matter how depressed I got, either with reason or no reason at all, there was always something there to pull me back from trying to fly off the edge of the cliff.

I’m the one in the blue dress.

She did not have something to pull her back, which is ironic, considering I had always admired her.  She had this care, but don’t care kind of personality, which is probably why she had so many friends.  She had this personality to where everyone just wanted to be around her.  It was like she was an addiction–a positive addiction.

She would always be the first person to try to cheer you up.  She never seemed like she took life too seriously.  She always went with the flow, while I always went against the grain.  As a child, I always thought we’d be inseparable like the characters in the movie Beaches.  I always thought of myself as the more quirky character Bette Midler played, while she was the Barbara Hershey character.  I just always thought we would be like that, and keep in touch the way the two women did.

But it did not happen that way.  People were trying to not see my demise.  Even when I’m in good spirits, people tend to think I’m sad.  It’s just my face, people. It’s just my face.  She had a natural smile to her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a frowny face on her.  Even when she got mad at her brothers, she still had a smiling face on.  I had always wanted to be like that.

I had always wanted to be the one to be able to make others laugh…Sometimes I do accomplish that.  But then there are some who are set in their ways, and won’t allow themselves to laugh.  They want to feel the euphoria without having to deal with anyone.  If they have to deal with others, they have to come back to reality.

Since the passing of my childhood friend, the song Name always pops into my mind.  I really don’t know why.  My favorite line is: “Scars are souvenirs you never lose; the past is never far.”  In a way, she reminds me of that song.  Perhaps she always will.

But we hadn’t really been close friends since childhood.  I kind of mourned our friendship a long time ago.  She threw me for some loops over the years. At one point it seemed like she wanted to be my friend, and then it didn’t.  And then when I tried to end our friendship in a letter (Hey, I was 13!), she called me up crying, telling me how important I was to her.

Then two years passed, I didn’t hear from her, and when I did, I didn’t recognize her.  She was easily influenced by others, and I was easily influenced by her.  Some days I caught the kickball, and other days the kickball hit me right in the face when it came to our friendship.

I don’t know what we were towards the end, and I guess I’ll never know.

DJ

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http://dianajillian.blogspot.com/2016/09/299.html

~~

 https://dianajillian.com/2016/09/06/name/

Day 60

Day 60 of the 365 Day Gratuity Challenge. 8/29/16, Monday. 

 

 

 I’m grateful I made it to day 60, which means I survived nearly two months doing these challenges. While I’m tired, I keep telling myself it’s important to do. It’s always important to be grateful, be positive, and always have something to look forward to.


I’m still grateful for my fitbit and my wonderful, amazing husband who bought it for me. I’m grateful for the gadget because it’s motivating me to exercise a bit more….something I get lax about because I’m busy running around or editing and such.

Well, I need a few hours of sleep so I can work in the morning. Night! 🙂

DJ

Day 42

Day 42

 

I took my dog to get groomed today.  Today is the last day I can go.  Even though she does not bite hard, she is not allowed back because when they tried to shave her behind, she got bitey.  I don’t want anyone touching my behind either.

I tried to get out of work because I got really sick today.  No luck.  So much for their policy being if you’re sick, don’t come in.  Who’s gonna work if I don’t come in?  So I prayed I would have no kids so I could go home early.  That is what I did.  I’m grateful the Universe actually listened to me for once in my miserable life.

DJ

 

At Least One Blog a Week

I suck at this. I am thoroughly disappointed because I have said I would turn in at least one blog a week.

Yes I post mostly on Blogger because the formatting is easier that way. When I write a poem in here, there are too many line spaces. I don’t like it one bit.

So this was something that was part of my prompts this week. I couldn’t finish the rest.

~~DJ

Far and wide across the Universe
And in the land of infinite miles
You’ll find there lies a lot of gray
In between black and white tiles

Looking in a world beyond the stars
In through a world of crooked styles
You’ll find between black and white
There lies a lot of gray-shaded smiles

©Diana Jillian

Raising Your Voice 3/10/15

I wish my voice was powerful enough for others to listen to what I have to say, only because I think what I’m about to write is important.  I would make a vlog, but then you would see the true nature of what I really look like.  I can’t even look at my whole self in the mirror because I am so chunky even when I do work out.

Selfies are great, however, it does not show your true image.  I know I hold my phone up to a certain light, and I pose in a way that hides whatever it is I want hidden…Like I wear bangs to hide my eyes.  I wear makeup to hide blemishes.  I pose differently so you don’t see my true ageing process…things like that.  But that’s not the point I have wanted to make.

Unions.  The people who live up north…you know.  The place where it gets so cold no one wants to leave their homes?  They have unions.  Unions are there to make sure that the contracts you sign to work don’t become null and void.

Like raises.  In a union, you would have to get a raise.  If you were guaranteed 40 hours, you would have to get 40 hours.  If you got a part-time job and were guaranteed 20 hours, you would have to get 20 hours a week.  They would also have to hire you and let you know your pay rate.

Well, I don’t live in a union state.  In fact, I live in a state where people (Meaning employers, managers, owners, counties, cities, etc.,) try to fight getting unions here.  They threaten their employees and say if they even think about going to a union, they will be fired.  Most get scared and decide they value their job more than getting fired and joining a union.

Back in February, I finally got a part-time job working at the YMCA, or as they like to call it now, the Y, because I could only work a part time job.  I am a full-time care giver, and my insurance ran out when my son turned 18.  I find this really at a disadvantage and unfair because I think people should get rewarded for having stopped after one child.

They should be rewarded and get extra cash back at the end of the year when they file taxes, but sadly, they don’t.  Ah, I get off track sometimes.  Well, now I see why my voice doesn’t get heard.

Anyway.  They put me in this child watch program.  I really thought I was going to be working the front desk to tell the truth.  But that never happened.  My first month was only busy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  Tuesdays I would have like 2 or 3 kids, and on Thursdays, I’d have no one.

The last Tuesday and Thursday of the month of February before the new monthly schedule came out, I was given lots of kids, and with no help I might add.

So for the month of March, they cut back hours.  I now only work from 20 hours a week to 10 hours a week. Yup!  I work two…Count em’ two hours a day.  I have to be there from 5-7 even though the contracts that parents signed stipulated that child watch be open from M-F from 4-8.  So what does that say about the contracts the parents signed?  

Null and void is automatic and it truly seems pointless to sign contracts.

Yesterday, I told the parents they could stay till 8, but then my co-worker (A teenager I might add) informed me that the child watch is now only opened till 7.  I didn’t know this.  My shift starts at 5, and I got there 15 minutes early only to have parents already there on the spot.  Every time I walk into the room, something is missing like a podium or shelves to separate the class so the younger children won’t think it’s like the movie Risky Business and slide across the room…Whatever.

So then my co worker showed me the sign on the wall…Mind you AFTER I told the parents it was alright to keep their kids there.  The sign was small and posted up on the window.  I felt so stupid afterwards.  I told the impatient co-worker that it was OK for her to leave at 7.  But naturally, she would know the rules because her mom works there.  Her mom is the one that does the hiring process like have you sign papers, and go for fingerprinting and drug testing and such.  Me, not so much.

Yes, granted my Mother in law was the reason why I got the job there, but she just works behind the desk. She’s been with the Y for 10 years now.  But she works the early morning shift.  She’s not a manager, and therefore, she wouldn’t know exactly what these kurwa’s are up to.  Kurwa, BTW, is a Polish word for something I’d rather not say.

The biggest kurwa is the district manager that has been there for years.  She’s never liked me because I stood up to her.  She came from Maryland and has expensive taste if you know what I mean.  I know where all the saved up money is going but it’s best to not say anything, because she’s right all the dang time.  I’m honestly surprised a house hasn’t fallen on her, or she hadn’t melted with a bucket of water..That’s how evil she is.

I wound up leaving my job last night, crying on the way home.  Wine was fine for about an hour, but I was still awake….I guess I’m having a manic episode of some sort.

Though crying would not be considered “manic,” even though I stay up very late with very little sleep when I’m in manic mode.  I don’t know.  Maybe the crying comes with age???  Yeah????

Last night was the night when I decided I’m going to give the LOA a try.  For those who don’t know what LOA means, it stands for Law of Attraction.  I was a firm believer in it once before.  I found my way there.  I know I can find it again.

I was scrolling through Tumblr earlier when I stumbled upon the quote in purple.  I went to look for it again, when I found another Hemingway quote I liked.  So I created it.

If I were a smart person, I would really not bother showing up to work.  But sometimes…Actually, most times, the heart beats out the brain.

~~DJ

Envy

Envy is a very ugly thing to have….And you can paint a smile on your face to make it seem like you’re not envious, but the truth is, everyone can see it.  And just because I choose to look the other way, doesn’t mean that I’m naive.  I’m just choosing to be nice about it…

What deadly sin are you?

These are a few sites I went to a couple of weeks ago.
 
Okay, so how this came to be….I took the quiz, “What deadly sin are you?”, and I got envy.
 
For some reason, that just struck a chord with me.  
 
I thought I was over my jealous issues.
 
The grass is greener complex is not always the case.  Most put up a facade to make you think they’re living a fabulous life.
I’ve always chalked up to why others have stopped talking to me.  They would say they’re, “busy”, or that I was being mean to them.
 
To tell the truth, they wanted an honest opinion, and an honest opinion is what I gave them.  I wasn’t telling someone they were ugly or fat or something like that.  I wouldn’t say something like that at all.
 
I have this one friend who texts me with:  What’s up, bitch?  And I don’t take it personally.  I reply back:  Nothing much, ho.  What’s up with you?  And we joke around like that.  We both know we don’t mean any harm by it.  But I’ve learned since living down here in Florida that it’s a whole different world from when I lived in New York.
 
People are more sensitive down here….They tend to take what I say too personally.  My friend who I text with was someone I knew from high school back in New York.
 
All these friends I’ve met down here I’ve met through various jobs I’ve had.  I believe I’m well on my way to having a job sometime next month, and I swear I will no longer make any friends.  I will be civil, but that’s all I can give.



I mean yeah, I’ve been envious of others when it comes to having kids.  I get envious….Well, more like mad because they keep popping out kids, and neglecting them…While I know that I wouldn’t ever do that.  Then they would have me watch their kids, and then they would get mad at the time I took to spend with their kids.  Needless to say, soon enough, they would no longer need my babysitting services.



I really didn’t picture myself the envious person though because I know, throughout it all, these are people that are struggling.                                              



But those signs I read on that site were spot on…Um, not about me, but about them.  I’ve thought about this.



The fade away.  How they just gradually faded out from my life.  When I was diagnosed with skin cancer, they never bothered to call to see how I was doing.  I don’t know why they would be envious over that.



What’s sad is, they know how to get a hold of me.  I haven’t changed my number.  They never once wished me a happy birthday when I’ve wished them one.  I also mentioned that I won’t be contacting them ever again until I hear from them first.  Well, I guess that answered my question.



Ah, stupid fun quizzes.  I need to stop taking them so literal.  I know my ultimate sin is sloth…and even then, I’m not THAT lazy.  Someone proved to me that they can be even more lazy than me.  And that’s saying A LOT! LOL.



I know that some day, in some way, I’ll make friends that will feel equal to me.  Not jealous in any way what’s or ever.  But I definitely know to never hang out with another co-worker.  It’s just too much.



I never thought I would have to treat friendship like dating, but I guess that’s the way it has to be.  I’ll make a separate blog for the rules of friendship that are similar to dating soon.



I was hoping to have created a vlog, but I’ve been lazy.



~~DJ