Down Time

6.27.18, Wednesday

So, three weeks ago, I went to the library and borrowed some books. I had to renew my library card and pay a fee of $.75. That was all.

I went there after my first iron treatment and by the following week–the second Friday–I couldn’t even think to read.

I thought reading would help me during my second iron treatment, but it didn’t. I was still freaked out. I freak when I see air bubbles.

OK, so I decided maybe I needed a push to read a book. I found an audio book, and downloaded it.

I thought it was going to be a supernatural book, but it was just horror. I read Faces of Fear by John Saul.

It was a good book, but I noticed some flaws in it. Like if the girl was 15, how was she still 15 a year later? Also, what happened to the dog?

Little things like that.

Then I realized only a writer would notice subtle things like that, not the reader that doesn’t write.

Have I been too critical of my work?

Instead of reading, I should be writing. But my confidence is shaken.

I’m reading to learn how to write stories, i.e., plots. I was reading something on Pinterest. I wrote it down in my notebook. And I swear as soon as I knock down the recordings on my DVR and finish the other books, I will get to writing.

No more excuses.

Now, where’s a hypnotist when I need one.

I better go to bed before I turn into a scarecrow.

DJ

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Red Tide

6.26.18

Take two.

I had to discard the first post.

Anyway, I think I’m coming down with a cold. It’s either the neutrophils playing a role, or it’s the red tide we’re experiencing on the Gulf coast.

In my case, it could very well be both.

I’ve been sleeping more than usual. I had a scratchy throat at work. And I had a sneezing spell at work too.

That’s all I want to really say about that.

Anywho. Today was my dad’s birthday. After work, I went to Publix and I bought him cupcakes, a card, and a scratch off. I hope he won something. I didn’t see it in the trash or anything.

We went out to eat, and I went home. I just wanted to get home to my Spock.

I’m hoping tomorrow I can get some sun after work. My psoriasis has been getting bad lately.

Another random thought.

I thought about letting myself go gray/white altogether. I look good in my mirror, but the one at work shows me a different story. I just didn’t want to keep dyeing my hair all the time. It can’t be good for me.

I’ll take any suggestions. I mean, that is, if anyone reads this.

I’m weird like that. I feel confident with going through one transition, but then I start feeling self conscious.

I’m not normal, never have been.

I’ll blame this one on being sick due to red tide.

DJ

Drained

6.24.18

I can normally handle 10 hour shifts sitting behind a desk, doing data entry and answering phones. But today just drained the life from me.

I’m off tomorrow (Monday), and I’m praying a person that quit will work her original shifts she promised to begin with.

Though, if I’m being honest, if I put in my two weeks notice, I definitely would not bother coming back to work. Two weeks is two weeks. This woman would be deemed very noble if she does show up to work tomorrow.

I’ve had a long day. And I know I need to get back into a habit again. I exercise but not as much as I used to before I got sick. But that was two months ago already. It’s hard to get back into habit.

Exercise produces endorphins. I need those endorphins. I think I also need potassium, but that’s another story.

I need to reevaluate my life again .

DJ

Disconnecting

6.23.18, Saturday

I’ve disconnected from all social media except for this and Pinterest. I’m trying to keep it simple.

I need to get back to who I was before social media. I let Myspace and Facebook consume me. I realize now it’s a form of depression.

All I did was hide behind a computer. But I lost track of everything else I’ve wanted to do.

I wanted to write. But I would write a few sentences and look for validation from others (who were quick to criticize me, BTW).

I’m a late bloomer. I’ve always have been!

So life begins at 40? Who cares? Not me. Or at least I’m trying to care less.

DJ

Lonely

It’s funny. I’ve never felt lonely in my life. Ever! It was only until I started having friends I felt the loneliest.

Writing is my therapy! I know what must be done.

It’s clearly me. I’m not good at making friends. I’m not good dealing with differences, like how I’m the one who is always wrong!

“If you don’t want to be criticized, do nothing.”

I can’t remember if the quote was Plato or Kate Hudson.

I’ve been doing nothing because I keep getting criticized. How is it that EVERY single person in my life feels the need to criticize and/or shame me?

Now that I’m moving out of my deep dark depression stage (I’m just in light depression, for now), I’m starting to see things for what they are.

They say because of the population, there are 7 of you out there. If there are 7 of me, where are they?

I just have high expectations that no one can meet.

I’m a JAP! I deserve the best (especially when it comes to friends)

If I…

I had always thought if I died, people would feel bad for how they treated me. Now I know that’s all a lie. The truth is they wouldn’t care, only put on a facade.

Seeing my ex best friend made me realize this. And also, another person (I don’t want to say whom) who called me a b*tch after hanging up the phone with me. Actually, my past posts this week can give you some kind of a hint.

I guess time will tell.

I ate some dates that are rich in potassium. I think I’m starting to feel better! 😊

DJ 6.21.18, Thursday